Looking for updates from letter writers on Thanksgiving. If you are a former letter writer, please send a note about how you're doing and what happened with your problem. Send the update from your original email address (or include it in the note) so I can confirm that it's really you. Also tell us whether the advice helped.
New letters -- and those updates -- come to meregoldstein@gmail.com.
Q:
Dear Meredith,
I moved to a new place in the city last year to start over. While I didn't meet any special guys, I met "Julia," who became one of my best friends. I developed a big crush on her. I generally prefer men, but am "fluid" and have been with women. Julia knows this. For months I flirted, and she flirted back. One night, after many drinks at her place, I made a move. I expected total rejection, but was very surprised by the enthusiastic response and her aggressiveness once things got going.
We hung out for a week without talking about it. I didn't bring it up because I honestly didn't know what I wanted or what I could expect. She asked me what I thought about that night. I replied I enjoyed it, had fun (she agreed to both), and would do it again, but said the friendship comes first and that I didn't want to mess it up. In return, I got the "friend" talk, with Julia telling me she doesn't do same-sex hookups, sorry if I took it the wrong way, but this goes nowhere. While I wasn't completely surprised, my ego was bruised and I was somewhat confused and embarrassed. I agreed it goes nowhere, and walked out of her place. The next day I asked to talk about it one more time. I wanted to know why she kissed me back and then some. I also wanted to make sure things were OK between us. It took a few weeks, but we talked. I didn't get a reason, and Julia stated she didn't want to revisit the topic anymore.
After that, I stopped flirting with her, created some space, and made an effort to hang out more with other friends. I went on a lot of dates. Julia did too, and started dating a man a couple of months ago. She changed completely in a few short weeks. I called her out on it and she accused me of being jealous. Could've been, I was hurt about being shut out of her life, but our mutual friends also noticed a change in her. Our friendship has taken a hit (her other friendships have as well). We recognize this and are trying to work on it because we miss each other. We get each other on a level that most people don't. However, I'm keeping my distance because I'm not sure I can rely on her and am also afraid to start crushing again. That's a dead end. Has anyone else gone through this or something similar? Got any advice on how to keep a friendship while keeping the feelings platonic?
– Friends Without Benefits
A: When a friend ditches you for a new relationship, it's annoying and hurtful. But when you've recently hooked up with that friend and have romantic feelings for her, it's a special confusing mess.
Please take time to get over Julia. Date some other people, and when you need to see her, try to hang out in a group.
You might "get each other" on a special level, but that's why the hookup is haunting you. She's important to you in big ways, and now you're just lost.
Take space. Don't try to force yourself to be breezy about what happened. For now, distance is good.
Readers? Will they be able to return to normal? Is space OK or will it just make things worse?
– Meredith